Happy Mothers Day

| Struggling to Conceive series |

• Happy Mothers Day
• A Gift for Father’s Day
• TTC Guide Intro
• IVF Guide Discussion

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Our Story

When Monica and I got married, we planned to wait a year before having kids, but apparently God had other plans.  Abigail was born just 10 months after we got married, literally as soon as possible.  Even Elijah was born just 14 months after Abigail.  While the timing wasn’t exactly planned, we were grateful.  After Elijah turned one, we decided we were ready to try for another baby.  On October 31^st, 2018, Monica surprised me with a positive pregnancy test in hand. I couldn’t have been more excited! Over the next five days, we told our parents, debated names, and started daydreaming about the future.  I left for work on November 5^th like any other Monday. Around lunchtime, I heard my phone ring. It was Monica calling. I answered to hear her sobbing hysterically as she told me she had started bleeding. We had lost our baby.

Since that time, we’ve found a wonderful ministry for couples who’ve experienced miscarriage, infertility or infant loss, I Am Fruitful.  We received love and comfort and realized we’re not alone.  When we shared with those close to us the story of our first miscarriage, most people asked how far along we were.  It was hard to process how the sympathy diminished when we said Monica was only 5 weeks along.  Our minds were filled with questions like “Was this real?” “Did it really happen?” “Will I ever see them?”

Am I a Mom?

Perhaps the most fundamental of these questions is whether it was real.  Allow me to take a step back from the emotion of all this to discuss this question objectively.  First, let’s acknowledge that, at a certain level, this is a scientific question (specifically, a biological one). Through careful observation, biology has identified certain characteristics of living things that, when present, define something as ‘alive’.  As you look carefully at each of these characteristics, every single one emerges precisely at the moment of fertilization (conception).  It is the process of fertilization that forms the first cell (characteristic) with a unique genetic code (characteristic) that begins to grow and develop (characteristic), using materials and energy to do so (characteristic) while responding to its external environment (characteristic) and maintaining a stable internal environment (characteristic).  Having established this, the next question for biology is whether this ‘living thing’ is an individual human. It is the process of conception that forms human DNA. Further, this DNA is distinct from the mother and father, implying that the first cell after conception is not only human but is a distinct individual human organism. Scientifically, conception is precisely the moment that an individual human being becomes alive.

But, is this living human being a person? Do they have a soul?  Now, the soul isn’t a scientific concept, but a spiritual one.  So, what does the Bible have to say? Consider the root word ‘nephesh’ from Scripture.  This word is translated as “soul” (238 times), “life” (146 times), and “person” (68 times).  In short, the concept of “life” and the concept of “person” are the same concept in Biblical language. To say a human being is alive is to say that they have a soul.

If conception is truly the beginning of a person’s life, we would expect to see an emphasis on this event in the Bible.  The Bible talks about conception 56 times.  Does it use this term in the context that a “person” is conceived or a “thing”?  Consider David’s lament in Psalms 51:5 where he says, “in sin did my mother conceive me”. It was not a “thing” that David’s mother conceived but it was David himself – an individual person with a unique calling from God. Biblical language consistently uses this term in the context that a person is conceived (Numbers 11:12, Job 3:3, Song of Solomon 3:4, Hosea 2:4-5, Luke 1:36). Furthermore, the most frequent use of conception in the Bible is as the start to a person’s story including the stories of Cain, Isaac, Jacob and Esau, the heads of the tribes of Israel, Moses, Sampson, Samuel, David, Job, John the Baptist, and many others.  Through His inspiration of the Scriptures, God draws our attention first to their conception as the beginning of their stories. Five of the references to conception are about the conception of Jesus, more than any other character.  In order to be fully man, Jesus would not bypass conception any more than He would bypass pregnancy or childhood, because it is essential to being human. This was by God’s design; He has such regard for conception.

So, what does all this mean? It means that it was real. If you’ve conceived, you’re a mom.  If you’ve seen that positive pregnancy test, you have a child. What’s more, a pregnancy test only tests the hormone that’s released at implantation (5-7 days after conception).  There is another hormone, EPF (early pregnancy factor), that your body releases at conception that isn’t captured by home pregnancy tests.  So, even if you haven’t seen a positive test, you may still have conceived without knowing it. Furthermore, this hormone deliberately inhibits your immune system in order to protect the baby. Your body knows that you’re a mom now and this baby should be protected rather than rejected as a sickness, putting that baby’s safety before your own.  Even though you’re unaware, you are already a great mom!

We’d like to take a moment to acknowledge something that’s dear to our hearts. This message could come as a heavy burden for those who’ve found themselves ending a pregnancy. Any weight of shame or guilt is not yours to bear. Life is full of challenging situations and difficult choices. The enemy is all too eager to take advantage of us in our vulnerability. I know firsthand though what it’s like to keep convincing myself of something that isn’t true; I’ve been there so many times. I’ve also seen how accepting the truth has set me free from that cycle. Often though, it’s a difficult truth to accept.  But God, being rich in mercy, longs to assure us first of His unreserved love and acceptance, so that we can accept this truth but also His grace. We hope that knowing it was real allows you to grieve. Know as you continue that this was all written for you as well. After all, you’re a mom, and you are loved.

Will I Ever Meet Them?

So, if it was real, then that means our loss is real too.  We can take time to grieve.  Please take time to grieve and find comfort. But, where can we find comfort?  They’re gone. Will we ever see them? Having lost two babies before meeting them, words cannot adequately express how much I long to see them.  I find comfort in what David said in 2 Samuel 12:23 about his baby boy who passed, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” One day we will meet the children we’ve lost. I long for that day. Until then, we can take comfort that God is caring for each and every one of them.

Mother’s Day is this weekend.  While we won’t likely have a normal service, I’m sure many pastors will still acknowledge moms.  In a typical Mother’s Day service, moms would be asked to stand or offered a flower.  I want you to know something: You can stand. You can receive that flower.  Please allow me to be the first to say, Happy Mother’s Day.