Can Soulmates Satisfy

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| Finding Satisfaction series |

• How to Be Happy
• Satisfied in Success
• Satisfying Our Desire for Pleasure
• Can Soulmates Satisfy
• How to Find Satisfaction

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Whether it’s more work or more play, we’ve seen in this series that neither promises to satisfy. However, we often experience our most meaningful success and our most lasting joy in the context of our closest relationships. Whether it’s friendships, dating, marriage, or family, perhaps relationships can offer what success and pleasure can’t on their own – satisfaction. If any relationship could, our closest and deepest one (marriage) certainly has the best chance. So, let’s take a look at marriage to see if it can provide satisfaction.

Can My Soulmate Satisfy?

Whenever I was single, I thought that once I found “the one”, I would be so much happier. You don’t have to watch many movies to see that this is almost universally accepted: if you find your soulmate, then you’ll find lasting happiness (literally “happily ever after”). Once Monica and I met, I said to myself: “It’s finally happening”. After we got married, reality set in as I realized we made each other sad or angry about as often as we made each other happy.

So, what went wrong? My soulmate was supposed to make me happy, and I wasn’t happy. Did that mean that Monica wasn’t my soulmate? Now, before I worry you: Monica and I are very happily married. But our marriage didn’t start out this way. These were real concerns for me, and I think it’s a fear many of us have behind closed doors: Did I marry the right person? It’s only logical. Our culture has promised that our soulmate will finally satisfy that longing in our hearts. So, if that longing is still there after marriage, then maybe we chose wrong. Perhaps this even explains why so many are delaying or outright avoiding marriage – they don’t want to choose wrong.

However, we started out this series by acknowledging that God is the source of our satisfaction. God doesn’t allow other things to be that source, because our desire for satisfaction drives us to Him for our good. So, it’s no surprise then that even marriage cannot supplant God’s role as our source of satisfaction.  More to the point, this ideal soulmate who will finally make us whole is in fact an idol masquerading as a daydream.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me – marriage is a gift from God for our joy. Proverbs 5:18-19 encourages us to enjoy marriage. Just like work and pleasure from the last two posts, marriage is one of life’s good things. While we can enjoy these things, they cannot satisfy the longing in our hearts.  Moreover, looking to work, pleasure, or relationships for our satisfaction robs us of the joy they have to offer.

Being Satisfied in Marriage

We saw in this series that if we look to God for satisfaction, He enables us to experience it in both success and pleasure by making our success meaningful and our pleasure lasting. In both success and pleasure, “the blessing of the Lord makes rich, and He adds no sorrow with it.” (Proverbs 10:22).  The same is true of marriage. Whenever we make room for God’s role in our marriage, His blessing makes it rich with joy and He adds no sorrow with it. That sounds nice, but how do we do that? Allow me to share how God did that in our marriage in the hopes it might encourage you.

When we were first married, I felt I had some needs only my spouse could satisfy. I’m not just talking about physical intimacy, but a need for love, acceptance, and companionship. Whenever she withheld these, she was withholding something vital to my happiness, something only she could provide. In fact, many counselors and marriage books reinforce this idea. As a result, I think many of us believe this is the truth.

The problem is, the more that I focus on what I need from Monica, the more I feel my own lack of satisfaction. I felt Monica had to do something for me to be happy. However, like we said in the first week, this is the definition of covetousness: thinking our circumstances need to change for us to be happy. It wasn’t until I read a book titled “When People Are Big and God Is Small” by Edward Welch that I realized I had put Monica as an idol and was angry when she couldn’t provide what only God can.

What does it look like to put God as the source of our satisfaction in marriage? For me it meant this: If Monica didn’t give me what I wanted, I knew that my unhappiness was rooted not in her imperfections but in my own. When we feel our spouse needs to change for us to be happy, it’s actually a sign we need to change to be happy. Rather than taking my unhappiness to her, saying “Here’s what you’re doing, and here’s what I need”, I learned to first take my unhappiness to God, saying “Here’s where I’m struggling and need your help.” When our covetousness goes unchecked, no one can make us happy. When I lean on God to strengthen our contentment, no one can steal our happiness.

I’ll Be Happy When _____

Marriage isn’t the only relationship we do this with, and relationships aren’t the only thing we do this with either. Maybe it’s on a small scale: “I’ll be happy once I get in better shape.” Maybe it’s bigger: “I can’t wait to get married/buy a house/start a family.” Or maybe it’s somewhere in between: “Once I get that job, things will be easier.” If I’m honest, I have this kind of thought on a weekly basis: that the next thing might be a bit more enjoyable, meaningful, or simply better than this one. Once we’ve taken that next step though, we eventually find ourselves thinking about yet another change with yet another promise of satisfaction tomorrow.

This is the trap of covetousness: thinking we need just one more thing to be happy. We are coveting when our happiness is conditional on our circumstances. Rather than looking to something new for satisfaction, talk to Jesus about where you are and why you aren’t satisfied. He wants us to feel satisfied, to enjoy success, enjoy pleasure, enjoy relationships, enjoy life! He helps us do just that by His gift of contentment; a virtue He develops in us as we talk with Him about our struggle and recognize He alone can satisfy our heart’s desire.