| Trying to Conceive guide |
- Trying to Conceive (this page)
Conception’s Significance
In our posts for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day we shared our story of two miscarriages and the infertility scare early in our marriage. Our experience is what motivated us to research not only IVF but the larger world of infertility. Our desire was to provide a helpful guide for those who are trying to conceive. Perhaps just as important as knowing our options, is knowing the implications of our decisions along the way. In our journey, we took the time to ask hard questions about conception’s significance like “Is an Embryo a Baby?” The answers to these questions became foundational to us and are certainly foundational to this guide. We’ve written a little about this question in our post for Mother’s Day and we hope to share more of what we found in researching these questions over time.
Ultimately, we found that both scientific observation and Scripture wholly confirm that conception is precisely the moment that a person’s life begins. By God’s design, each of our stories begins with conception. Because of this, we have a responsibility to do our part to protect each life from the first moment that life begins. So, as we discuss what we can do to support conception, one of our most fundamental objectives will be to help you make informed decisions about how to protect each little life conceived in the process.
Before we talk about how we can support conception, I’d like to talk about some bigger picture questions we all have when we find ourselves on this journey, trying to conceive.
Why Is It So Hard to Conceive?
First of all, it is a good thing to want to have kids. The Bible makes it clear that God wants us to have children. From His instructions to Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28), to His encouragement in the Psalms that children are a blessing (Psalms 127:3-5), to His promise of the good that raising children does for us (1 Timothy 2:15), we can definitively say that God is for us in our desire to have children.
If that’s the case, then why do so many of us struggle to conceive and have children? The most direct answer is because sin entered the world. I imagine you’re familiar with the curse that sin brought on us in Genesis, but I’d like to take a closer look at it. As a result of sin, Genesis 3:16 explains that a woman’s “pain in childbearing” will be multiplied; it also says, “in pain you shall bring forth children”. Now, at first glance, it sounds like He is saying the same thing twice, but a closer look at the words reveals two different meanings. The second statement means exactly what we all think it does. The word for “bring forth” clearly relates to actually delivering the baby. The word for “pain” represents difficult, painful work. Delivering a baby is hard work and it is most certainly painful. This is not by God’s design but is a consequence of living in a broken world.
The first statement, however, carries a different meaning. The word that is translated as “childbearing” is derived from the Hebrew root ‘harah’ meaning “to conceive”. It is easier to understand as representing both conception and pregnancy. The word translated as “pain” in this first statement is different from the word translated as “pain” in the second statement. The second word for pain associated with delivery (the root is etseb) carries the notion of difficult, painful work. The first word for pain associated with conception (the root is atsab) carries the notion of sorrowful, painful work. To summarize this, the verse says that delivery will be hard work that is physically painful and that conception/pregnancy will be sorrowful work that is emotionally painful. About one in 16 couples (6%) are unable to conceive1, about 1 in 8 couples (12%) struggle to get pregnant or carry to term1, and about 1 in 5 pregnancies (10-20%) end in miscarriage2. With these statistics, it’s easy to see how conception and pregnancy can indeed be emotionally painful. This also is not by God’s design but is a consequence of living in a broken world.
Where Is God in the Process?
While we can see so clearly that the struggle to conceive is a consequence of living in a broken world, that still leaves us wondering where God is in all this. As I thought about this question in our own journey, I was drawn to all the couples in the Bible who struggled to conceive. It’s comforting how many times the Bible talks about infertility, including in the stories of Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and his wives, Samuel’s parents, Samson’s parents, and the parents of John the Baptist. In these stories, God consistently shows that He is willing to miraculously help these couples conceive. What’s more, we know that God is a redeemer. In these stories, we see His redemption in part by how significant each of these children become in the history of our faith.
As we have already discussed, it is not God’s design that you would struggle to conceive. Nevertheless, when we do have hardships in our journey to have children, God is able to redeem them. He doesn’t just help us to overcome these hardships, but He redeems them so that we are better off than had we never struggled. When He redeems our pain, we can look back on that pain with peace in our heart through the lens of eternity. This redemption may look different for each of us, but if we follow His lead in our journey then we have the promise of His blessing in it.
What does this look like? Let’s take a brief look at the first of these stories: Abraham and Sarah. When God first promised to give Abraham and Sarah children, Abraham was already 75 (Genesis 12). Until that point, they had been unable to conceive. Even then though, it wasn’t until 25 years later that Abraham and Sarah had their son Isaac when Abraham was 100 years old (Genesis 21). Over the course of that 25 years, they undoubtedly became disheartened at times. At 10 years in, you can see that Sarah had given up hope: “Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children.” (Genesis 16:2) This was when she decided to do things her way and asked Abraham to have a child with her servant Hagar. He did have a son by Hagar, Ishmael. Galatians 4 comments on this by saying that Ishmael was born according to the flesh (i.e. by the will of man) while Isaac was born according to the Spirit (i.e. by the will of God). Both Galatians 4 and Genesis 17 make it clear that Isaac, not Ishmael, would inherit the covenant promise God had made with Abraham.
In this story, we can see how being submitted to God’s direction in this process allows us to receive His blessing. In no way does this mean that we can’t use medical intervention to help us conceive. It means that we must seek His direction in prayer, submit to His leading in the process, and rely on His power to make our efforts effective (see our series on Resting in Our Weakness that discusses what this looks like). Bearing in mind with all of this that His direction is also revealed to us by the Scripture and is made evident to us through His creation. As we have already mentioned, the Scripture and study of His creation both confirm that life begins at conception. As we walk through this journey, trying to conceive, we must protect each life conceived as we submit ourselves to His way of doing things, trusting in His power to bring the blessing.
When the Bible describes the role of the Holy Spirit in John 14:16, it says He is a “Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor – Counselor, Strengthener, Standby)” So, where is God in the process? In short, He is Standing-by us. Like we talked about in our post, His Companionship in Our Distress, He longs to comfort us during it and, also, to guide us through it. God’s desire is to help us and bless us in it. Let’s trust Him in the process, relying on His direction and power along the way. You don’t have to do it on your own.
What Can We Do?
There are several different ways that couples can support conceiving and having a healthy baby. Each approach has pros and cons and the best approach for a given couple depends largely on the underlying fertility issue. We’ll try to talk a bit about this to help you understand your options better. Also, as we mentioned above, some of these methods can also present additional risks to the babies conceived in the process. Our most fundamental desire as Christian parents is to protect our children and honor God’s design of conception in the process. Accordingly, we will talk about how to protect any children conceived in the process of these methods.
Since our fertility scare in 2015, we have researched many of these methods and have even walked through some of them personally. Included below is a brief discussion of these methods. Additionally, we have more detailed discussions of Timing Intercourse to Conceive and IVF on separate pages.
Understanding Fertility
Before reviewing these methods, it might be helpful to gain a foundational understanding of fertility. To that end, we’ve put together a brief overview of the woman’s cycle of fertility, male fertility, and how the two interact in the fertile window. You can read this foundational discussion on our page, Understanding Fertility here.
Timing Intercourse to Conceive
Women are not fertile every day of the month and intercourse frequency affects sperm quality. So, perhaps the simplest thing couples can do to support conception is time intercourse. Since most women do not ovulate on the same day of their cycle each month, knowing your (wife’s) cycle can help you to know when to time intercourse. There are several methods for doing this.
On our page dedicated to Timing Intercourse to Conceive, we discuss these methods that a couple can use to predict ovulation and walk through the process of how to know when to prioritize intercourse to support conception. We also talk on this page about what else we can do to support conception and a healthy pregnancy and how to know when it might be time to talk with your doctor. Take a look at this page here.
Hormone Support and Medications
Certain medications and hormones can be used to help support a woman’s ability to ovulate and to sustain pregnancy by thickening the lining of the uterus where the baby will implant. Many fertility medications (including Clomid, hCG, FSH, and GnRH) are designed to support ovulation by supporting the development and release of eggs from the ovaries. Separate from supporting ovulation, some medications (including hCG and progesterone) are given to after ovulation to improve the chances of a successful implantation and a healthy pregnancy. You may be surprised to know this simple step of progesterone support after ovulation is all many couples need.
In using these medications, particularly the ones that are designed to support a pregnancy after ovulation, it is helpful to know when ovulation has occurred. Just as with timed intercourse, a home fertility monitor is probably the easiest way to track this. Of course, a doctor can guide you through and manage this process. However, not all doctors have the same approach. When we were dealing with our fertility scare, we felt most comfortable with doctors who are affiliated with FertilityCare. This was not only because they have an emphasis on protecting life from conception, but because the science behind their approach is well researched. If you are interested, you can find a list of these physicians here.
Surgeries
It might surprise you to know that many of the causes of infertility, like endometriosis or PCOS, may be able to be addressed with minimally invasive surgery. The objective of these surgeries is to correct the underlying issues contributing to infertility and, depending on the situation, they can be quite effective. This obviously wouldn’t be the first step to addressing fertility challenges but may become appropriate along the way. Again, a doctor would have to guide you through this process, but not all doctors are trained in the surgical methods and techniques that are necessary to make these a success. “Surgical NaProTECHNOLOGY is a specialized form of gynecologic surgery whose aim is to reconstruct the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries”3. Many of the physicians affiliated with FertilityCare are trained in this form of surgery. While not every physician on this list can do these surgeries, it is a good place to start and they can refer you to one if surgery looks appropriate. You can see this list here.
Male Factor Issues
It may be that the husband’s sperm is a contributing factor (i.e. because of the quality or quantity of sperm). Addressing this issue might be as simple as addressing some environmental factors (e.g. avoiding hot tubs) or as complex as using intrauterine insemination to help the best of the husband’s sperm have a better chance for success. A semen analysis can confirm if the husband’s sperm is an issue.
In our discussion on Timing Intercourse to Conceive, we also discuss what men can do to address the environmental factors that can affect sperm production.
IVF
Perhaps the most difficult method to navigate while protecting the children conceived in the process is in-vitro fertilization. Accordingly, in the first release of this guide we wanted to provide a more detailed discussion of these risks and the IVF process. You can find this discussion here.
Adoption
There are many reasons that a couple might choose to adopt including if they are struggling to conceive. God has revealed His heart for adoption in that we ourselves have been adopted into His family (Ephesians 1:5). We hope to add resources for couples who are considering adoption.
[1] CDC
[2] Mayo Clinic
[3] NaProTECHNOLOGY. Surgical NaProTECHNOLOGY. Retrieved from https://www.naprotechnology.com/surgical.htm